This Girl's Diary: All in my head

October 31, 2012

All in my head

I have to admit I can be mean. I am not one of those persons walking around who can give an earful at the word go. In life, there have been many moments whereupon I have wished I were a bit more spiteful verbally. But my meanness lies hidden in my thoughts. Yes, thoughts. I have always relived particular scenarios in my head over and again in a desperate bid to find a better way to put it to rest, other than the way it actually ended. It is my coping mechanism for the loss I make in terms of what goes unsaid.

Of the many characters we see on television nowadays, I have a rather soft corner for Sue Sylvester from Glee. Hers is a motormouth loaded with every insult in the dictionary targeted towards a William Schuester mostly. Here are two gems:

"By the power invested in me by a website, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself."

"I might buy a small diaper for your chin, because it looks like a baby's ass."

More than the witticisms, I like her even more so because she never crosses the line between sarcasm and insult. Tonight, I was in a rather pensive mood, especially after my phone conversation with Dad when just then I got a rather unintentioned but hurtful message from a certain someone. The astrology account on twitter states that "You will never see an Aries emotion of disappointment. You will always wonder what they think and feel". I agree. Therefore, to cover up for the moment, I started shooting random words in my head, trying to reason out why I am not supposed to be affected by what was written. As a result, I am feeling a lot better.

I wonder how the Buddha must have felt during his dying hours. To not have a sense of attachment to any thing or being in this world. He did not experience disappointment because he never had expectations from others. I want to be like him too but unfortunately I am drowning in samsara already. Things just got a little complicated tonight and I have only msyelf to console. How much longer must I endure such episodes, I wonder? Sadly, I already know the answer to this one.

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A note for the readers

Dear Stranger,

We've shared a one sided relationship over the past few years. It began for us in 2003 when I started my first blog. A few years later I decided against it due to two chief reasons- I wasn't a regular and my writing credentials were best portrayed in my diaries. Somehow the idea of seeing my neat handwritten journals gave me a far greater sense of satisfaction than Microsoft word ever could. It seemed (and still does) to me a feat I achieved minus automatic spell checks and grammatical corrections; a very important one at that and one which I carry till date.

Back in the blog industry for a second time, this was supposed to be my secret haven. A much needed outlet to pour my deepest thoughts. Regrets I may have, anger I may want to unleash, opinions I may want to make and hidden feelings I might want to express. Things haven't exactly worked out according to plan. Strange as it may sound, I feel a constant fear of being judged according to my writings. As a result, these posts represent only a decent chunk of what I may have liked to say otherwise. I constantly keep you in mind. You may or may not know me but it does not stop me from getting paranoid nonetheless. So if you are here today hoping to know my deepest secrets, don't bother to read further. Technology can only get you this far.