In all the trials and tribulations we go through as we proceed from one year to the other, we experience various kinds of disappointment but none so hurtful and damning as the one brought on to oneself. The viva did take place and I did perform decent, but I could have done so much better. I should have said a lot more, I didn't. I would have written a lot more, I couldn't. The first question on structure blanked me out. I had done my readings thoroughly but I never saw that one coming. So I mumbled. Over the course of the next twenty odd minutes, I gave it my all. When I stepped out of the room I didn't know where I was headed. My mind was reliving the one on one discussion and going through the words I had spoken.
Somewhere it struck that mid-semester I seem to have a lot of focus and positivity surrounding my academic pursuits. As soon as the term nears an end, it all goes downhill. I end up feeling like sitting through an entire semester yet again. But that is not possible. Now I sit here in my room typing these lines and wonder "Did I really give it my best?". Pre-viva it was a confident yes, post viva I am a confused scholar. I don't even feel I have the right to call myself one right now. Maybe it is the excitement of going home that adds this dimension of guilt. This has been the case almost always. Once home though, I dream of running back to my island. Productivity shines through and through when I am in this atmosphere.
Guilt. Disappointment. Nervousness. Respect. Excitement. Hate.
I am an ocean of conflicting emotions right now.
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