There are times I feel really good about myself and tonight is such a night. I mean here I am typing this entry, with my half yearly besan ka laddoo stuffed in my mouth. I was in the mood for home-made egg soup with a dash of ghee and that's what went in my belly for dinner. After which I watched a movie and, before a back to back, here I am wishing you guys just as the clock strikes midnight.
I am no sucker for love. I never was. My first realization of the existence of such a day was sometime in middle school. I went to town with my elder sister and she passed on that knowledge to me outside a red and white Archies gallery. Once upon a time, I even threatened my then boyfriend from getting cheesy on Valentine's day. "All such acts shall result in two singles", said the stone-heartd Cyden. Since then I have pretty much lived up to the same idea. I would step into Jessica Biel's shoes in Valentines Day any day. Pre Jamie Fox ofcourse. To be very honest, every girl wants to feel special. Whether it be on a day like the 14th, a wedding, mother's day or a birthday, it means a lot to the emotionally weaker sex. I am no different. After years of being a hard nut, I feel a little unstable tonight. I wonder if cliche quotes and notions are finally catching up with me? Life is on the right track currently but there is one aspect I am trying to cope up with, a role I am trying to perform. I am not the same person. Definitely not. But certain aspects of the old personality reinforces itself between breaks.
There seems to be this notion that I need someone. Can someone not be happy and single? I say this because quite a number of times I have had people talk about fixing me up with decent guys. What is there to fix? You fix something when it gets spoilt, am I defective in any way? The most recent one was a friend who says he has few dates in sight who would kill to be with a girl like me. First of all, how does one go about defining a girl like me? And, secondly, why do people go through the traumatic experience of looking so to say? In school we were always taught to complete our home-work on time. Unfortunately, life isn't based on the same rules. Those home-work days are long gone. It doesn't matter, neither does fixing up. If it is meant to happen then eventually it will. Right now I am cent percent in control and have zero regrets.
Tonight I sit alone in my room. My room mate is spending the night with her boyfriend and mum-in-law to be. I am drinking, what seems like, gallons of water from a humongous bottle. The dramatic effect with which I gulp it down my throat makes it my alcohol replacement. I am not miserable, neither am I pathetic. I am not very good at verbally expressing my feelings but sometimes I just feel like being a drama queen and tonight is one such night. Like I said once, shoe shopping won't feature in my list for a long time.
"Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them." - Sex in the City
Happy Valentines Day to those in a committed relationship.
Happy Independence Day to my single counterparts.
Cheers to life. Cheers to us.
gr8 writin,aie cyden.tc.
ReplyDeletewow!really gud.all the total emotions described straight,albeit in a condensed manner.you seem to be happy doing your things rite now.....so i suggest u to kip doing them,if it detaches you from the past.whenever i feel down,i listen to metal,so that i can hurriedly adjust and acclimatise to the killer emotions.i know u don't have a penchant for heavy music,but just the same,m goin to share a lyric from a famous iron maiden song lus,if it makes you feel even half as gud,i'll consider it my total success,b'coz your blog has really moved me,here it goes-
ReplyDelete'tell me wat you can feel,tell wat you want to do,tell me wat u see,everybody has a different way to view the world.i wud like you to know,when you see the simple things,to appreciate this life it's not to late to learn'.
now i know,u really are happy rite now,i suggest you to take pride in watever u are doing,and in that be happy at that.everyone,(specially myself)is really proud of where you are rite now,but i also know,somethings just visit u now and then and they remind you of things.never surrender,never give in,never back down.that is how things turned out and i know u r strong enuf to stand up to those things.my prayers and wishes are always there with you lus.you are goin to do gr8,i know it.u deserve so much better and i know its comin,i can sense it.'he lead you to a path,kept on showin you the way.....now you feel a little lost a little strange 2day,you thot he had it all,he had it all worked out,jst that the future wud be bliss,that there wud be know doubt,but then a card came up and it took another turn,now u really don't know,whether its fulfillment that you yearn........'.its a bit ironic,bcoz the 'he' in question reminds me of how i treated her.now its time to up the ante,and rise like the phoenix from the ashes.we are with you always lus.
stay safe.hugs.\m/.tc.