Two weeks since
I dropped many levels, from being a sure shot candidate to a shocking exit.
I was overcome by
a whirlwind of emotions on the day of the results. A part of me was
disappointed but that was ridden by my happiness upon seeing Dengyal’s name
feature in the list. My immediate course of action was to drive to Khimzang and
congratulate him in person. At that moment, I felt like our lives were finally
falling into places. There was a God who was acknowledging the years of hard
work we had put in to secure a stable life together.
A few days
later, I was told what had conspired in the run up to the announcement of the
final standings. I was angry at the system. They had been unfair to me and once
again I was the poor unlucky candidate who had been sacrificed so close to a
home run. This did not seem unfamiliar grounds. Throughout life, I have been at
the boundaries. This had happened many times before, and it was happening once
again. In the last 8-9 days, I have become an extremely frustrated person. This
is what drives me to start writing once again.
Today there is a
dinner to celebrate Dengyal’s new job. I, being the fiancé, am expected to be
around, not as a guest but as one of the family. With so many emotions fighting
within me, I have no idea how I will be able to handle the situation. The irony
is that I am expected to respect and serve the very people who conspired
against me. And I am not very good at hiding my emotions. I have often turned
cold towards those I have no regard for and tonight I do not think is going to
be any different. These people have thrived by surviving in the system while contributing
nothing to it. Post retirement too, they seem to be doing no different. To be
questioned by people who have no morality, no qualifications and no principles
was wrong to begin with. And then to be shunted simply because I had no voice
backing me took their insincerity to another level.
My father is an
extremely difficult man to work with. This ‘difficult’ factor stems from Thamzi (principles), something that
keeps him at loggerheads with the present system. In another world, the principled
form the majority but here he is a miniscule, and often the sole, minority. Dad
often told me that the system is a goner and I would be better off being an
academic. True to his belief, he was perhaps the happiest when I didn’t land a
job with the State Civil Service. I understand where this is coming from. He
was a part of the system for thirty plus years. His principles worked for the
people of the State but not so much for the power seekers. As a result, he was
rather disrespectfully removed from a key position, one for which he was
proving to be a game changer. This removal was a loss for the State, for the
people of Sikkim. I doubt many realize this in a society obsessed with personal gains. Dad always believed we should be
able to fend for ourselves. His only help came in the form of providing us
access to a world class education. Education was the tool that would take us
forward and rightfully so. Except that in a place like Sikkim, small society
with smaller mind sets, his philosophy somewhat fails. Here, the powerful
manage to get their way with anything. I should have been in the list and yet I
find those underqualifed featured in the same. This makes me believe that
perhaps this is what the system wants. Underqualified people running an underfunctioning
Government machinery. I know that I would have been a mirror image of my father
as an administrator. So, maybe this is God’s twisted way of protecting me from
a life of disappointments with this one major failure right now.
Once again I am
standing in unknown territory. What becomes of me? What purpose does this life have?
Still struggling
to find a footing.
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