This Girl's Diary: A scare

June 10, 2011

A scare

Last night I switched off my phone before 10 pm, because last night I was at the verge of breaking down. I don't have anyone to blame, no fingers to point at directions known or unknown, no voices to dominate, only issues to be dealt with. I'm not sure if this has any reference to my past but the way I have been acting around people, it seems I still need to confront the skeletons in my closet for a more balanced future.

I cannot have people express more than a passing interest. I am scared of being too close to people, winning their trust, being liked, being loved, I am scared of it all. I wonder if this is because of the way things took a turn in the past few years, or because I am apprehensive of anything positive happening at all. I always thought being home was the ultimate goal but today I feel suffocated. I wish to run away from here, running away is what I do best.

What do I do? At this point, if I were you I would be scared of me.

1 comment:

AnonymousJune 10, 2011 at 5:03 PM
I'm not sure if this has any reference to my past but the way I have been acting around people, it seems I still need to confront the skeletons in my closet for a more balanced future.

Exactly my point.
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A note for the readers

Dear Stranger,

We've shared a one sided relationship over the past few years. It began for us in 2003 when I started my first blog. A few years later I decided against it due to two chief reasons- I wasn't a regular and my writing credentials were best portrayed in my diaries. Somehow the idea of seeing my neat handwritten journals gave me a far greater sense of satisfaction than Microsoft word ever could. It seemed (and still does) to me a feat I achieved minus automatic spell checks and grammatical corrections; a very important one at that and one which I carry till date.

Back in the blog industry for a second time, this was supposed to be my secret haven. A much needed outlet to pour my deepest thoughts. Regrets I may have, anger I may want to unleash, opinions I may want to make and hidden feelings I might want to express. Things haven't exactly worked out according to plan. Strange as it may sound, I feel a constant fear of being judged according to my writings. As a result, these posts represent only a decent chunk of what I may have liked to say otherwise. I constantly keep you in mind. You may or may not know me but it does not stop me from getting paranoid nonetheless. So if you are here today hoping to know my deepest secrets, don't bother to read further. Technology can only get you this far.