2008: a year I grew as a person, a year that made me go through some highs and lows, a year that left me pondering over various questions at the back of my head. I achieved my long cherished dream, which I am still very much living. I travelled to the remotest of places in the shittiest of transport available, and on the other hand I also became a part of the first world economy where the consumer is king. I experienced loneliness, desperation, betrayal and love. In my 24 years of existence, I think this year was by far the most dramatic.
I started 2008 at the bottom of the lonely hearts rung. I had just gone through a much thought over break up and, although I was feeling really low, I put up a brave front and tried to be as normal as I could fake it. There were no personal motives behind my decision. Usually people break up because they want to move on but I did it with the sole purpose of setting two lives free from the mental obligations. When you have gone 2 years without seeing each other then you start thinking whether it is right on your part to restrict the other person’s movements just because the (non-existent) relationship does indeed exist. Spring came and so did a new me, which I hated by the way. It was short lived and I regret that change but I guess it was worthwhile because it proved to be a learning curve for me. NEVER in my life will I be so stupid as to believe I can be someone else. My sister’s wedding came and went. It was all very quick but on that doubly special day (wedding + my bday) I got the best gift from god. I say this because that was the day a very special person walked into my life and it has never been the same for me. That was the day I changed as a person yet again but this time the new me is here to stay.
Once personal emotions were sorted out, I was busy with my future arrangements. Not using dad’s reference proved to be a bad decision but it also made me understand the various struggles common folk have to go through when dealing with paperwork, the bureaucracy and ‘babu dom’. I also took the much awaited trip to Bhutan. The answer to my questions lay buried in that soil and the 4 days there helped me unlock the answers. The bubble that I was living in was rudely burst within a split of a second and the only thought running in my mind was ‘God! How stupid of me’! The onset of a new long distance relationship began in September and has been going on ever since. Living in a first world country had made me understand myself better and also my ambitions have become clearer. During the first few weeks I dreaded grocery shopping for the simple reason that super markets here have so many choices to offer. You may walk out of your home with a simple list but to choose from twenty varieties of the same product can get confusing. I remember my days back home vividly. All we got was one kind of bread, bun, milk (excluding milk powder), toilet paper etc. People here are spoilt for choice. How tough is it to decide what kind of bread you want? The entire section taken by dog and cat food in the mart is the exact space hogged by our grocery shops back home. Other than this I also discovered bird proof roofs and anti-age discrimination posters at work.
As a whole year has gone by, I still think about all the past memories. I think about all the moments and wonder if things could have been handled in a better way. In many ways I have moved on but in some ways I still live in the shadow of the past. Christmas Eve was, by far, the loneliest time I have had since shifting locations. I went to ASDA and bought chardonnay and oven chips to cheer myself. I don’t remember much else other than frantically dialing ghosts (from the past). For some strange reason I just needed to know I was a good person and had been at my best back then. Thank god the number was not working because I would have made a big fool of me. No chardonnay for me anytime soon. Alcohol never enticed me nor did smoking. The only reason I tried drinking was because it was the best way to socialize with people. Now I know that I cannot force myself to like something if the want is lacking in me. So as much as I tried to become an alcoholic, I have failed.
Despite 2008 being as messy as it could have ever been, it gave me something beautiful that I need to work upon. It has given me the want to work with the people back home and the desire to make things perfect for people that matter the most to me. I am not the same conscious person I was before leaving the country. I now know what I want to do and how I intend to go about it. Here’s to the New Year. Although the end of the year is what I look forward to, I still hope I grow as a person and make the most of my stay here.
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