One of those days at work when I find myself alone in the Department. I actually look forward to times of self reflection and contemplation. Since Selden came in my life, getting a few hours to myself has become a distant dream but, in recent times, this has become possible at work. My days are filled with chores and my nights are all about short naps and breastfeeding. When I turn around and look at my husband, not much has changed for him. If he were to read this he would most definitely ask who am I to decide for him? But from where I stand, this is my story.
Females have been given the shorter end of the bargain throughout history. This is something we have read about, heard about and talked about. How many of us have actually lived it and understood the same while 'living' it? Ever since I got married, I have steadily begun to absorb my everyday experiences. My mother in law, henceforth MiL, is a traditional person. She is the matriarch who has a set way of doing things. Also, she comes from a generation of women who have preferred to remain subjugated to men and not to question authority. Enter daughter in law who is not only educated but someone who teaches a paper on gender every odd semester.
Post marriage, I had a difficult time accepting this routine. This is when I finally started understanding the tragedy it entails to be born a woman. For thirty odd years, I had imbibed a certain diet, lifestyle, thought process. All this socialisation had to be reoriented and that too in a short span of time. As daughters in law, the society, including our parents and relatives, gently nudge us on to strive to be a good one. No one ever tells the other stakeholders that it is as much their duty to make us feel comfortable. I will not lie when I say that I have had a few awkward confrontations with my MiL. She has reminded me on multiple occasions that as a daughter in law I am expected to make sure the house is in order, my husband has a full tummy and I must do all this while having a smile on my face. After the birth of my daughter, I was also told that changing diapers is a mother's job therefore, I should never make my husband clean her poop. However, this is not a blog about the myriad of disagreements I have with the MiL. My mother does not forget to remind me about similar issues. When I am out for dinner or coffee with friends, she probes me on my whereabouts and whether I have informed the relevant authorities (read: in laws and the husband). When I am home for dinner with my folks, she insists we have dinner by 8 pm instead of the usual 8:30 pm. Her excuse is that I have a toddler with me so staying out late is not in the latter's interest but I know that deeper down she does not want me to be out late. Good daughters in law do not do so.
Why is it that daughters are the harbingers of a family's respect and status in the society? Because, to me, it is a way for society to exercise control.
Let me give an account of one day for two different persons.
My husband wakes up around 7:45 am, spends half an hour in the loo, irons his clothes, changes and comes down to the kitchen for breakfast (which is served in a tray). He then leaves for work which is almost a 2 hours drive from home. His driver ensures that his packed lunch is in the vehicle. Fast forward to 5:30 pm when he gets back. He showers, changes and relaxes by watching television. Meanwhile, his tea arrives, followed by dinner in an hour's time.
I wake up at 6:30 am and make a rush for the kitchen. The agenda is to ensure that lunch is packed by 8:30 am and the breakfast tray is ready as well. After my husband leaves, my daughter is next in line. I give her a speed bath and get her ready for the day. Then it is my turn. On average, I spend 5-10 minutes to prepare for the day ahead. After work, I change my clothes and lie down for a few minutes to half an hour. Then my evening rendezvous in the kitchen begins. After serving dinner to everyone, it is finally time to rest in my room. This usually happens around 7-8 pm.
Gender bias has been the way of life for centuries but, today, it is different. With women getting access to education, experiencing different cultures and a growing ambition, it is time for 21st century men to become partners in the true sense. I find the generational gap that we women face today is magnanimous. Living up to the past ideals is impossible. Giving cent per cent both in the domestic as well as professional sphere is a futile task. The solution therefore is to have supportive partners who understand each other because expecting some concessions from the elders is like actually expecting foxes to get married when we see a rainbow on a sunny, rainy day. A laughable prospect.
If I do not get the time to change my child's diapers, it should be okay.
If I expect my husband to make breakfast for himself for a day or two days or for the rest of his life, it should be okay.
If I want to shy away from undesirable guests who decide to invite themselves during odd hours of the week, it should be okay.
Clearly, this is a high mountain to climb and it is going to be a tough battle but is it impossible? I certainly hope not.
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